For the past couple
of days I have been expecting a parcel to arrive from a faraway land (which is still on the planet so don’t get too excited), and yesterday I got a Notification Card from the Post to inform me that the postman came by my apartment to drop down the parcel, but nobody was at home, so they would try to deliver it to me again today.
The postman did indeed drop by today to hand me a parcel, but the size of it was much smaller than I expected, and the envelope had the TIME Magazine logo on it, which was not the person/ company/ misleading news source I was hoping to receive a parcel from.
I knew it was one of those gratuitous gifts TIME sends out to “reward” their subscribers for subscribing. I think the message they wanted to send was to gift and congratulate their subscribers for having excellent taste in pro-American literature, but the message they were actually sending was “I’m so sorry you had to put up with such an outrageous publication, please forgive us, here’s a coarse and useless towel with our logo embroidered in red, and here’s an enormous travel bag so ugly you would be ashamed to donate.”
Little did I know they went much further than a towel and a body bag. The little brown envelope was hastily taped up, and inside was a small squashed up cardboard box, with no note and no indication of whether it was a terrorist attempt. Opening the box carefully, I found a suspicious black leather case. I unzipped it, and revealed: A PAIR OF EXTREMELY SHARP SCISSORS. And a nail clipper. And a nail file. And a metal stick with a weird end, purpose and usage unclear.
What the hell TIME?
