If one thing

was made clear in 2011, it was that bad people die.

Kim Jong-il, dead 17 December 2011
The North Korean leader came to power when he was 53 and was the “supreme leader” of the DPRK for 17 years until his death earlier this year at the undeserving age of 70. His official biography stated that he composed six operas, the Pyongyang media once claimed that he shot 11 holes-in-ones on his first try at golf, a fact readily verifiable by his 17 bodyguards, plus apparently he didn’t poop, although the report didn’t say whether he did not need to poop, or that he could not poop in a severe case of constipation, or that he had refused to poop. Nevertheless, Kim Jong-il was obviously not amazing enough to firstly, not have a female name, and secondly, not die.

Let’s hope his son Kim Jong-un lives up to the “un” part of his name.

Osama Bin Laden, dead 2 May 2011
Osama Bin Laden was at best a complete asshole and at worst a complete Osama Bin Laden. Apart from leading Al-Quaeda in orchestrating the terrorist attacks on 11 September 2001 etc. and being a complete asshole in general, he was also reported to have had six wives, and an aggregate of 20 to 26 children between those wives. Yes. 20 to 26, as in he cared so little about his offsprings he didn’t even bother to count them. In his will (yes he wrote a will shortly after 11 September since he knew was going to die, although of course death would happen to him with or without 11 September, a realisation probably unachieved by a man so consumed by evil and/or himself) (and if my insults to him sound mild it’s because he’s Osama Bin Friggin Laden), he instructed his children not to continue the Jihad, probably not to protect his children whom as we have established he could not give a flying toss about, but probably only to protect his own legacy and prevent his children from upstaging him in the future. No wonder he was shot. In the face.

I really enjoyed writing that paragraph in past tense.

Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar Gaddafi, dead 20 October 2011
Where do I even begin with this absolute tool. Perhaps it begins with the stone hard fact that he looked like he had two sex changes, one from male to female and another from female back to male, and both of them failures. Perhaps it begins with the fact that he was a pervert, that he frequently made sexual advances to female journalists, the fact that he was obsessed with Condoleezza Rice and kept a photo album full of her pictures at his compound, believed to be used in a popular kind of worship, and by worship I mean sordid sexual self-satisfaction (buy my new book titled “How To Alliterate Masturbation”). Perhaps it begins with the fact that he went on for 90 minutes in his 2009 UN General Assembly speech, a speech which he was allocated 15 minutes to make and which was so long and so full of indescribable bullcrap, one of his translators actually collapsed mid-speech. But regardless of where I begin, Gaddafi ended in death. And you better stay that way, you turbo asshole.

But then as we shall remember, Steve Jobs also passed away this year 5 October, and his life was celebrated elaborately all over the world. Dennis MacAlistair Ritchie was found dead 12 October 2011, and his life was not celebrated elaborately all over the world, despite the fact that he invented the C Programming Language, which of course means that he made Steve Jobs. Dame Elizabeth Taylor, famous mainly for being married for 7 times to 6 men (look it up) and being gorgeous, passed away 23 March 2011, was also actively mourned. And just to add to the list, Mrs. Betty Ford, Ms. Wangari Maathai, Dr. Ralph M. Steinman and many others who perhaps were not famous but were close to and loved by us, perhaps a dear grandfather or a dear friend, who were all relatively excellent people who passed away in the same year of the deaths of the enormous pieces of shite mentioned above. So you know. Bad people die, but good people, incidentally, also die. And there is absolutely no difference in the two, save from the fact that if you were bad, you risk being shot in the face, and even that will only come 10 years after you have been very naughty indeed.

And on that delightful note, happy new year everyone!

P.S. How scared do you think Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez and Bashar al-Assad are right now.